Today I am in hiding. I have a false beard, a wig and I am even contemplating wearing some of my wife’s clothes (beard, wig, women’s clothes, perhaps not the best mix). Why? I hear all two of you ask (or at least I hope you ask, please don’t assume this is something I do because it is Saturday). The reason is simple; I need to be able to disappear in to some sort of obscurity so that I can avoid being made to watch “Live Earth”! Having to suffer the has-beens and second-rate performers at the Diana Concert was enough, but to be inflicted once again with such tripe is too much. Why do I need to hear the likes of Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross, two overpaid and talent less hawks, tell me the world is in danger. Every time these witless wonders open their mouths enough hot air is generated to turn Britain into Tornado Alley. If that isn’t bad enough, we have Madonna, Genesis and would you believe it, James Blunt, a man who apparently used to be in the army! This man is a trained killer all right; his voice could peal skin of at four miles. Genesis, a group without any body hair and complete with Zimmer frames. Madonna (or Madge as she likes to be called when buying up houses to stop the public getting near her) a women whose carbon footprint must be like a size 50 Doctor Martin, 18 lace up boot.

This is becoming a bit of a rant. Lets take it back a little bit and have a look at the arguments for and against.

1. IT RAISES AWARENESS

No it doesn’t, the only thing it raises is people’s blood pressure and record sales of talent less, B lists Celebes. None of these groups are relevant to today’s youth, so who is going to listen to them.

IT RAISES BADLY NEEDED FUNDS TO FIGHT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL CHANGE

Complete rot. It raises money for concert promoters, Wembley Stadium hot dog sellers, record companies, advertising execs and ticket touts. When every body has taken their cut, they might be enough money left to fund a worm farm in an old fish tank.

And here’s the real issues:

1. With an estimated 2 billion people world wide watching the concerts, it will leave an electric carbon footprint the size of Mars.

2. The only Green awareness that will be generated is the colour of money.

3. Did all these stars walk to the concerts, or use wind powered energy. No, they FLEW.

4. Most of the bands involved have just reformed having spent years defunct as they were no longer relevant. They need the publicity and they need to convince us they have more to offer us than Saga membership.

5. The concerts have no long term aim, mandate or strategy. Tomorrow morning, Tokyo will still be covered in smog, China will still build a coal powered power station every day and South Tyneside Council will still make a complete hash of collecting my recycled rubbish.

Yes, this has been a little tongue in cheek, but there does remain an element of truth in what has been written. When it comes to climate change and environmental issues, I have three very strong viewpoints. Firstly, don’t use climate change as an excuse to raise my taxes and keep me down trodden. Just because the cold war has ended and we can’t be threatened with the fear of communist Russia knocking on the door, don’t introduce the bogeyman of environmental catastrophe as a substitute. Secondly, don’t put the emphasis on me to save the world. Start at the top, start with the likes of McDonalds, Asda, Birdseye, Sainsburys and a plethora of other world wide companies who encourage immoral levels of food waste and whose packaging fills a land fill site every day. The third and final issue is that I want concrete proof that climate change, if it exists, is a result of the way we live. Yes it has rained a lot and yes it is July, but according to records it rained to a similar degree 200 years ago and that can’t be blamed on climate change. When we have 100% agreement, then I will be persuaded either way.

Talking of things getting warm, I think I’ll have to take this wig and beard of; things are getting a bit itchy. Now, where’s that dress gone?