THAT WAS THE WEEK THAT WAS

“THAT WAS THE WEEK THAT WAS”

A FRIDAY COLUMN WITH AN ALTERNATIVE TAKE ON THE WEEKS NEWS

The week’s news began with rather a quirky note concerning the return to TV screens of the “Mr Men” series. Those of us who are old enough to remember Roger Hargreaves varied cartoon characters will be very pleased. However, I don’t think politicians will be. Once the parliamentary sketch writers put pen to paper, some of our more illustrious leaders are in for a good ridiculing. Here are some of my suggestions;

David Miliband – Mr Clever

Ed Balls – Mr Forgetful

John Prescott – Mr Rude

John Reid – Mr Mischief, Mr Muddle

And finally that man of many names;

Gordon Brown – Mr Greedy, Mr Silly, Mr Nonsense, Mr Mean, Mr Wrong, Thief and Liar (I know these last two aren’t Mr Men but I feel better for writing it)

The Guardian this week carried the amusing headline;

“Revealed: the brains beneath Boris's hair”

With rather a lot of hair and also a large head, Boris Johnson must have some brain, but rather than being a story about a pending lobotomy, David Hencke’s tome looked at the amount of money MP’s earned as a result of extra parliamentary activities, mostly after dinner speaking, book writing and lectures. Top of the list was William Hague, with Boris coming in a respectable third. Surprisingly, George Galloway came in fifth; that’s a lot of Armani suits and hand made patent leather shoes George! What I found more interesting was what were these people actually speaking about? Surely not the usual drivel they inflict on the House of Commons? After much research and the use of the Freedom of Information Act, Rise Like Lions is able to reveal the following book titles and after dinner classics;

David Miliband – “Decisiveness As A Tool To Becoming A Leader” and “How to Resist Pressure at Work”

Gordon Brown – “Creative Accounting Procedures”, “How To Make Your Money Go Further: The Principals” and “Good Housekeeping: The Stalinist Approach”

David Blunkett – “Monogamy: A Flawed Concept” and “Paternity Tests: The Pitfalls”

Des Browne – “How To Handle The Media” (a joint presentation with Max Clifford; fee negotiable)

John Prescott – “Two Jags: A Car For Each Mistress: Owners (E)Manual” and “Alternative Uses For Desks”

David Cameron – “How To Grow Herbs At School”

George Bush – “How To Make Friends And Influence People”

Tommy Sheridan – “Two’s Company, Three’s A Crowd”

George Galloway – depending on the audience “Sadam Hussain: My Part In His Downfall” or “Sadam Hussain: His Part In My Downfall”

Boris Johnson – “Portsmouth: A (Drug) User’s Guide” and “Papua New Guinea: A Presentation On Cooking At Home”

And finally

Tony Blair – “The Truth: A Dying Concept” and “How Not To Overstay Your Welcome: Spotting The Signs”

Feel free to post your own speakers and speeches.

Gordon Brown was also quoted in the Guardian, commenting on the cult of celebrity. “People are moving away from that, and more to what lies behind the character and personality” he said. For your sake Gordon, I sincerely hope there not!

David Miliband in his office blog also mentions a Guardian report which explained how German scientists had developed a pill to reduce methane emissions from cows' burps. (Agriculture accounts for 7% of all UK greenhouse gas emissions of which a third is due to methane, 86% of that methane comes from the digestive system of animals, so developing methods to reduce these emissions is a high priority). Rumour has is that Miliband has placed a rather large order to be administered to the entire Labour front bench; the amount of hot air generated every time they open their mouths is equivalent to China’s entire industrial output!

Talking of scruffy farm yard animals, Bob Geldof plans to create an “A to Z of Mankind”.

“This will be an A to Z of Mankind which will catalogue the world we live in now, the people who share this planet, the way we live and the way we adapt to face common and different challenges”.

Oh Bob, you silly person; you line them up, we’ll knock ‘em down! You’re going to have to be the first entry, and what will it say?

“GELDOF, BOB. A robust form of human evolution. Of Irish decent with a tangled, ill kept mane. Very similar in appearance to a “Gandalf”, though spelt differently. The Geldof is an expert at adapting to challenges, for example when faced with financial problems it is able to resurrect past glories such as charity events and one hit wonders, whilst making a tidy sum of money for himself. Language and communication can be a problem for the Geldof, with it often resorting to profanities and expletives in order to be understood. An expert on famine, the Geldof has been feeding on past hits for a long time. Family crest and motto; a picture of a starving African child with the inscription “Looking After No 1”, which is Latin for “line your own pockets whilst playing the nations heart strings”. Warning: Never approach a Geldof on a Monday, he doesn’t like them.”

Finally, let’s all spare a thought for poor old Bernard Matthews, who like Rod Stewart and Peter Stringfellow, has to buy new birds every so often. At least Mr Matthews has £600,000 of tax payers to spend on the feathered variety. Bootiful, Bernard, bootiful!

Have a good weekend!