CAR SEEN IN EAST BOLDON

Police were called to East Boldon today when a distraught shopkeeper reported seeing a “car”.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Peter Shaw, owner of FoI Stores. “I just glanced out of the window and this car drove past, well under the speed limit and creating no congestion problems. Would you believe it? This type of recklessness could cost millions of people their lives.”

Unable to contain his disgust, Mr Shaw has written 17,000 letters to every paper on the planet. He is also calling on South Tyneside Council to ban the “wheel” from the Borough in an attempt to reduce the carnage currently blighting the region.

“I shall be forced to bring this up at the local CAF,” claimed Mr Shaw “But only if they will lift my ASBO and restraining order”.

Inspector McBribe was non-committal as to Mr Shaw’s claims. “He’s always on the phone claiming to have seen a car in the area. Green ones, blue ones, red ones, you name it, he’s seen it. He once even said that a bus drove by, but we had no collaborating evidence. The best claim he made was last week when he reported that a parking attendant was seen near the Metro Station. How stupid can you get? A Parking attendant outside of Shield’s Town Centre? Ridiculous!”

Mr Shaw, currently living in a parking bay, is on remand for burning the Metro down. He once thought he saw a councillor, but he was mistaken.