SOUTH TYNESIDE COUNCIL TO RECYCLE CHILDREN

In an effort to hit recycling targets and save money, South Tyneside Council is to close all its primary schools and recycle children. Head of the Education Authorities “Child Catcher Scrutiny Committee”, a Ms Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, said that the falling birth rate meant that fewer places were needed in schools. “With only one child being born in the last 25 years, the schools are looking pretty empty. We have therefore taken the decision to recycle all existing children into green wheelie bins, crayons and chewing gum”. Asked why the birth rate in the Borough was so low, Mr Stalk, head of Council’s family planning department, said that the sex education of children had involved the “birds and bees” teaching method. “We now have plenty of birds and bees, but no children”.

Figures show that expenditure on one parent bird and bee families has risen by 600% in the last ten years