BEACON AND BENTS WARD “SEVERELY OVER POPULATED”

Professor Thomas Malthus, the population specialist currently teaching at the Ocean View Bed and Breakfast, has today unleashed a scathing attack on the number of potential candidates standing in the Beacon and Bents Wards. “It is absolutely scandalous that these outsiders have been allowed to operate in the ward. There is no way that the areas infrastructure can support such numbers. They are a drain on Lambrinni, Belabrusco, peanuts and crisps. For Gods sake, I went into Gregg’s the other day and there were no pasties left: the candidates had eaten everything.I warned people as long ago as the 18^th century that the number of candidates would outstrip the number of voters, and that there would be a problem with food supply.”

This is not the first time the Beacon and Bents ward has hit the headlines. The BNP complained to the Electoral Commission that the voting papers were biased against their supporters. Mr Hermann Goering, prospective candidate for the party said “The ballot paper is totally biased against my friends and supporters. Not only are they expected to be able to read and write, but we are supposed to put a cross in a box. Now what sort of technological jargon is that? This is why we always get a low turn out and are ridiculed by the press. It has nothing to do with the fact we are Nazi, racist, scumbags thugs.”