“THAT WAS THE WEEK THAT WAS”

A FRIDAY COLUMN WITH AN ALTERNATIVE TAKE ON THE WEEKS NEWS

The sooner Gordon Brown takes over at No 10 the better, because the fodder that usually fills the “That Was The Week That Was” news cannon is very empty this week. Apart from the hilarious antics of the likes of Patricia Hewitt and Ruth Turner, there’s not a lot to go on. The sad thing however, is that these two ministers were actually being completely serious in their attempts to convince the public (and Gordon when it comes to handing out the jobs at the end of June) that they really do know what they are doing.

Never mind, let’s give it a go!

BIG BROTHER COMES TO TEMPLE PARK

It’s that lovely time of year again, when the sun shines bright, the flowers bloom, the birds sing in the trees and then Channel 4 goes and ruins it all with another “Big Brother” programme. In an attempt to avoid the controversy of the last celebrity broadcast, producers have decided to stage the show at Temple Park Leisure Centre. This year’s attendees will give proceedings a decidedly political edge. The list is as follows;

George Elsom
Lord Paul of Waggsville
His Butler
Lady Linda of Waggott
Her Hairdresser
Tommy the Trumpeter
David Potts
The Crankies
Some peasants

Irene Lucas, Chief Executive of Channel Four and this years voice of Big Brother, said;

“We’ve always wanted to hold the show at Temple park, but in the past it’s been fully booked by the Council for freebie parties. We thought we had a space last year but we were double booked in the diary with a new council scheme to let the public use the facilities for a short time.”

Asked what tasks the contestants would be set this year, Irene became visibly excited. “Some of them are very hard. Were going to lock them in a big room called a “Council Chamber” and get them to try and balance what’s called a “budget”. For those who are left after this terrible ordeal, there will be what’s known as the “Wheel of Freebie” where various free trips and functions (graciously donated by contractors and suppliers) are pinned to George Elsom. We then spin him around and the remaining inmates have to grab what they want.”

Irene was not so forthcoming when asked if she had any “special” contestants who would be “parachuted in” as the programme progressed.

“This isn’t the Boldon Colliery Ward you know” she said sarcastically “but yes, Iets face it, we don’t now how long George Elsom will stay in the house, he could just up and leave at any time. And as for David Potts, we're not even sure if he will turn up. So yes, we have a couple of replacements in line. If I can drag David Slater away from Curlys Blog, I may even put him in.”